I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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