Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize