I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
