I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize