If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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