the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
