One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
