I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize