Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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