I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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