i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
