This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize