I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The Olympian is in my bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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