so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm passing your future prison.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
