last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
