Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
