i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
