I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
