I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
