i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
