Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize