please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
