just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
