I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
