i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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