Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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