can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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