You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
