im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
