i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
