I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
