At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
