allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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