"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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