imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize