Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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