**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
