if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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