Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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