Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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