Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
