saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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