Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
