Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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