I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
