Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
