That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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