its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
