Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
