I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
