No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
