I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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