guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
