Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
