Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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