worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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