bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
