come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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