What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
